Browne's Blog

How I Came to Love Theology...I Mean how I Fell in Love with God.

2012-01-18T07:11:00.000-08:00

As I look back on the past 5 years of my life I find it interesting how I came to fall in love with theology. That is probably not the right way to say that, I believe that through this journey I have finally fallen in love with God.

I grew up in the church and participation in church activities has always been a part of who I am. I must say that this post is in no way saying that I do not think that those people who guided and shaped me when I was younger did not communicate the gospel or God's love. I have had the amazing opportunity to have many amazing pastors, youth pastors, mentors, and friends who have helped me along this journey.

But, after high school I don't think that I was prepared to be a Christian in the real world. Through my time in the church, from childhood through high school, I had been given answers to questions and a vocabulary that, because I was now on my own, fell short in my searching and desire for God. I know that I am not the only one with this type of experience and I am also aware that there are many people who have not had this struggle. I am not looking to place blame but I am simply admitting that I needed more. This dissatisfaction has much more to do with me than anything else.

One of the most amazing times in my life was my time at Bethel University. I was thrust into a world of people who were searching for, and questioning God. In this environment I became alive. I found that I have an unquenchable desire to know God, to ask challenging questions, and try to find the answers to them. Through the task of theology I was encountered by a God who encouraged my seeking and who was always bigger than my answers. For me, this quest was about more than the questions and, probably, about more than the answers. It was about the pursuit of God. I now see theology as a spiritual discipline, searching for God is how I love God and is how I feel loved by God.

My second semester, I took a class on the theology of Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Karl Barth. This class has forever changed my life. The radical Christ-centered nature of these theologians was what I had been searching for. At that time I also began to read theological blogs. One post that really helped me was one by W. Travis McMaken on how to approach the reading of Barth. So, You Want to Read Barth, was very helpful as I began to working on my own study of Barth. I encourage any of you who are interested in reading Barth to check out this post and, Dr. McMaken's blog, for that matter.

In a very real way theology helped me fall in love with God in a way that I could have never imagined. May you know that God is bigger than your questions and that those questions that you have may in fact lead you into a very powerful relationship with your creator. Keep asking, seeking, and knocking because the door will be opened to you...but you might have to push or pull on it sometimes. My journey has not been easy, and at times it has been painful, but it has been worth it.

Remembering a Prophet and Remembering a Calling

2012-01-16T05:38:00.001-08:00

Today we remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He was a pastor, leader, visionary, and a prophet just to name a few of the attributes of this great man. Besides being one of the best examples of a leader who promoted change through non-violent means he was a prophetic voice, not only for the African American community, but for the church at large. Below are some of his quotes that should have a lasting impression on us.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.

I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

On a day where we remember this man we are also reminded of our call as Christians. We are called to have a prophetic voice in the world. A voice that casts light into darkness, that frees the prisoner, that supports those who suffer, and one that continuously sends forth the Kingdom of God. The prophetic voice of King is really just an echo of Jesus. May we be a people, who again participate in the prophetic calling of the church through Jesus Christ.

*if you are at all interested in the prophetic calling of the church I suggest reading Prophetic Imagination.

My Thoughts on "Why I hate Religion, but Love Jesus"

2012-01-14T05:31:00.000-08:00

The video above has been making its way around various social media platforms for the past few days. It currently has over 900,000 views on youtube. It seems like every time I go on Facebook, another one of my friends has shared it and has said "Amen" or "Right on." Now let me preface what follows with this; I completely understand where these thoughts/feelings come from and share in most of them...but...

We must define what we mean by religion. In the video "religion" is described as "behavior modification, a checklist of to do's." It seems like religion is understood as a heavy burden that is put on. The language that he uses to describe Jesus' interaction with the religious establishment makes it seem that Jesus came to "abolish" religion, that is to say to abolish Judaism. This view is very problematic; while Jesus did have a lot to say to the Jewish leaders (mostly corrective) he must be viewed as a prophet, calling the Jewish people back to their calling. Jesus and Judaism must not and cannot not be separated.

When we view religion as a belief in something that shapes our ritual, social, and ethical areas of life we must also realize that the story behind the belief is important. What does this mean for us as Christians? It means that when we buy into the story of Jesus we are brought into His story, from creation. We are all given a shared history, the history of the Jewish people. Creation, fall, captivity, liberation, wandering, kingdom, captivity, liberation, failure, covenant. All of the stories that we read in the bible are a part of our story we cannot forget that. This means that we must also accept that our past is marred by some very terrible situations (religious wars, crusades, things of that nature) but all of these situations have lead us to where we are today. This is not to say that we should not repent of the ways that Christians have treated others and even each other, but it is to say that we must realize that this history is important. God has been active in creation this whole time and we must claim that, even though we might need to look a little harder at times for His activity.

So what does this mean for Christianity? What did Jesus come to do? Jesus came not to abolish religion but to redeem it, to set a new way forward for his people. (Matt 5:17-20) When Jesus talks about the Kingdom of God he is not talking about a new religion but he is talking about what Israel has been called to since Genesis. He is God in flesh; he is the example of what being a blessing to the nations looks like.

I share the discontentment that this guy expresses with Christianity. What this video shows is the paradigm shift that is taking place within the church. The issues that drive this video like: hypocrisy, political affiliation, lack of grace, desire for authenticity, and acting one way on Sunday and another during the week are all things that I am sympathetic with. But, this is not a problem of religion vs. Christianity this is a problem of discipleship.

This video is a prophetic call to the church and Christians to step up. It asks the question. Are you a passive observer of Jesus or a devoted follower? I think that when he says "religion" a better description would be a passive observer of Jesus. Those who know him/his stories but have not taken the jump into a changed life. His call is for devoted followers/disciples of Jesus to continue to bring the Kingdom of God to earth. Christians and the church must be a prophetic voice in the world proclaiming the good news. As we grow in our faith our lives begin to change, we become more gracious, generous, we reflect Christ. Discipleship is a call to profess, "Jesus is Lord" and this call has no boundaries. It is a claim over your whole life: social, political, vocational, spiritual. Jesus is Lord of all of these areas there is no way to partition off an area. This is discipleship. I think what this video points out is what Bonhoeffer calls the "invisible church." Bonhoeffer contrasts the visible and invisible church in his work by saying that there is no such thing as the invisible church because it is not the church. The church, he argues must be visible in the world by its actions and its proclamation.

The problem is not religion but discipleship.

Who am I?

2012-01-11T06:03:00.000-08:00

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

This poem was written by Detrich Bonhoeffer. I should probably read this every morning. Today find you identity in Christ. No matter what you face: hostility, love, conflict, joy, dispare, grace. Know that whoever you are, God knows you and you are his beloved child.

Picture that Captures Something

2012-01-11T05:53:00.000-08:00

Found this picture online today. What do you think? Where are we as the church the blind leading the blind? How can we remove the blindfolds and follow Jesus? How does this picture make you feel?

Silence and Prayer on 9/11

2011-09-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

I think we all remember where we were ten years ago today. I was in Mr. Ihrig’s history class and we were about to leave to go over bus safety. As we left the classroom we saw our first images of that terrible day on the TV. It wasn’t until we had come back inside and watched the news for some time that I began to understand what was going on. The rest of that day was spent moving from class to class, watching the news and struggling with the meaning of the events happening halfway across the country.

Now, a decade later, we are confronted with the images, sounds, and memories of that day and the years following. Our country has waged a war on “terror” and whether or not you think that it has worked or been worth it, the reality is, that from Sep. 11, 2001 until today, countless lives have been lost. Lives both here in the attack and over seas in the subsequent conflicts. Lives of those from the US, and those who are considered the enemy. Not one country that has been involved in these conflicts has been left untouched by the sorrow and heartache brought on by the death of service members and civilians.

It is interesting that the 10th anniversary falls on a Sunday. I would imagine that most pastors and church leaders are aware of this and I know that some will shape their whole service around the events of 9/11. Perhaps the best way for us, as Christians, to remember all of those who have lost their lives, both on 9/11 and in the subsequent conflicts, is to not say anything at all. Maybe through our silence and prayer we can do more than if we were to make a big production of it all. Maybe the proper response is to pray for forgiveness; for the way that we think, act, and speak about others, and for the ways that we have not brought the peace of Christ into our world. I have to believe that somehow through our silence and prayer that God is doing something within us and within his creation. Perhaps the best prayer is the one that Jesus gave us as an example.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

Amen

On the Death of my Papa.

2011-06-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

There are few people in our lives who have a true and lasting impact on who we become as a person. My Grandfather, Donald Kausch, was one of those people who helped shape who I am and who I am becoming.

Last Friday, while at the Mumford and Sons concert, my dad called and left one of those messages. The kind that when you listen to it your stomach begins to churn and you are overcome with a sense of anxiety and panic. Over the sounds of Cake playing in the background I called my dad back and he told me that my grandpa was in the hospital and that they didn't know any details. My parents were getting on a plane that night in Alaska and heading to Ohio. Immediately my brain began to spit out memories of my grandpa and images of us together with these images and memories in mind I began to freak out. What do I do? Should I stay at the concert? Should Sarah and I change our plans of traveling to Minnesota in the morning and go straight to Ohio? Luckily I have a wonderful wife who helped me realize that there would be nothing we could do that night but that we would decided in the morning what to do. When we returned home Sarah and I feverishly packed for a week instead of a weekend and hit the road at seven in the morning on Saturday (June 4th).

On Friday night all life sustaining medical equipment was removed from my grandfather, per his and my grandmothers wishes. On Saturday morning Sarah and I decided to keep our plans and go to Sarah's sisters graduation party in Minnesota. There was no guarantee that even if we went directly to Ohio that we would be able to see my grandpa. At about 9:10am I received a text from my cousin letting me know that Papa had passed away. This is the first time that I have experienced the death of someone that I was close to let alone a family member. There was this weird feeling all day Saturday and Sunday while we were in Minnesota, I told myself over and over that he was gone, but I was completely numb. The one coping mechanism I had was to read my grandpa's memoir. On Monday morning, Sarah, Tucker, and I loaded up the car and headed to Ohio. After eleven hours of driving, thinking about what had happened, and what was waiting for us in the week ahead, we arrived safely in Bowling Green, OH.

I don't think that there is a way to explain how close my family on my mothers side is. This family has had a very unique relationship and we are all very close. The ten of us grandchildren are all very close even though we are all in different stages of life (the youngest entering middle school and the oldest entering graduate school). The sense of loss felt by us all escapes words and there were many moments of silence where we all seemed to be staring off into space. There was a visitation and funeral last week and my cousin Elizabeth and I spoke at the funeral. Below is what I said regarding my grandfather, this followed Elizabeth's comments on more concrete memories of our grandfather.

For Christmas in 1999 each one of us grandchildren received a copy of Papa’s Memoir. Of coarse as a teen entering high school this gift seemed odd and a bit anticlimactic. Well my copy has made the move to college, back home, back to college, and finally into my wife and my home. While I have paged through it I had never really committed much time or effort to read it; that is until Friday. Upon hearing that papa was in the hospital reading his memoir became a coping mechanism for me. I read stories that I had heard before and I read some for the first time. When I finished it yesterday all I could do was marvel at the full life that my papa had. He grew up during the depression, obtained a PhD and taught at a university, served in the Korean Conflict, and helped raise an amazing family.

I think it is a tendency of our culture to try and put a cut and dry ending to things even people’s lives. This room is evidence to the fact that papa’s life and influence will not and cannot end here. While his chapters in this book are over, his part in the story is not. Our parents have all been shaped by who my grandfather was as a father. When they became parents I’m sure that they picked up a few tricks and kernels of knowledge from my grandparents as it pertained to child rearing. As grandchildren we have been shaped by Papa, many of the ways we know and some we have yet to learn but will as we reflect on our relationship with him. I know that there are things that we will teach children someday that will be directly attributed to our relationship with Papa or his influence on my parents.

All of us who knew my papa were active participants in his story and he in ours. Our responsibly is to live a life that recognizes the wisdom he gave, the stories he told, and the lessons he taught directly or indirectly. In this way my Papa lives on, in and through each one of us.

My Grandfather taught me many things but there are three that I remember and that have shaped who I am. First, my grandfather taught us that family is important. My mother's side of the family spend a lot of time together, whether it was at the lake in the summer, or spending Christmas Eve together at church and then opening presents at Grandy & Papa's afterwards, youngest to oldest of course. Second, my grandfather stressed the importance of education. While he stressed the importance of school he also encouraged all of us to be up to date on world events. Finally, I think that something that encompasses who my grandfather was, is that he taught us all to do everything with excellence. Doing things just enough to get by or half way was never exhibited to us, nor acceptable to him, through out his life.

I will miss my grandfather, but I know that he loved me and is very proud of what I am doing with my life. When I told him that I was accepted to Princeton Theological Seminary he told me that I made his day. I know that each one of his grandchildren made him proud in many different ways. To steal a quote from my brother which, I think, captures who my grandfather was, I will close with this:

"I think that Papa was most happy, when he saw all of his grandchildren together having fun."

The trip to Princeton

2011-05-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

Sarah and I sat down to talk about our move to Princeton. We are leaving the first of July but because we are shipping our stuff out to NJ we have some time to kill. So we have decided to make the trip fun. Sarah and I love the show Man vs. Food; so we decided to make a few stops on our way out to Princeton. We are also stopping in Ohio to visit some of my family. So we will be making stops at Man vs. Food stops in Indianapolis, Chicago, and Pittsburgh. This should be fun and filling.

Update 5/18/11

2011-05-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

In typical Browne fashion, Sarah and I have decided to change our moving plans. We decided that moving out to Princeton for summer Greek made more sense than waiting until the end of August. The biggest determiner was that we found out that our living expenses (rent and utilities) are going to be cheaper than what we are currently paying. Taking Greek in the summer will also give me the ability to focus on learning Greek alone without having to juggle learning a language with other classes. I will also be able to begin taking my New Testament classes in Greek right away instead of taking a year of Greek. So we are moving the first week of July and I will start class July 12th. Thank you Sarah for being a wonderfully patient and loving wife. Thank you for letting me chase my dream.

Tucker, our golden retriever, is growing up. He is a little over five months old and is pretty much the coolest dog ever. Sarah and I are having a wonderful time raising him and training him. It will be interesting to see how he does with the move and change of environment.

Update

2011-04-03T07:28:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I just wanted to update everyone on our plans for our transition to Princeton. There is an opportunity to take a summer intensive language at Princeton but Sarah and I have decided to hold off the move until late August. We have two weddings coming up and we are going the the Black Hills with Sarah's family. By pushing the move back to august we are also given the opportunity to work more and hopefully save some money for the transition.

I am working at The Gap and really enjoying myself. Sarah is working at Brio as a server and she was just hired at The Gap last week. Her getting hired at The Gap is pretty huge because we should both be able to transfer to the Gap store in Princeton.

Our dog Tucker is now 13 weeks old and weighs about 22 lbs. He has almost tripled in size from when he came home with us. We love seeing him grow and lean. He and I go the park everyday and he does great with the other dogs. Tucker starts puppy classes this week. We are doing training through Gentle Dog Training, I really like their approach and they have a money back guarantee which not a lot of places do.

That is how we are doing, like I said in my previous post I will be writing a review of Rob Bell's book "Love Wins." I am still working on the book so it might be a few more days.

Mentioned in Another Blog

2011-03-31T06:30:00.001-07:00

This week Mike King mentioned me in a blog post about the importance of damnation in some peoples theology. Check it out here. Thanks Mike.

Upcoming review of Love Wins

2011-03-29T06:13:00.001-07:00

During the last month there has been plenty to talk about in the Theo-blogosphere, Facebook, and Twitter. Most of these conversations revolve around Rob Bell's new book Love Wins. Even before it was released there were accusations (of unorthodox theology) and heated debates surrounding the contents of Bell's book. Most of the craziness started after pastor John Piper tweeted "farewell Rob Bell." There has been lots of speculation about what this tweet was meant to communicate or what instigated this type of communication. Since then there have been many different reviews of the book, some written by those who have read the book others written by those who had not read the book. Now that the book is available to the general public I anticipate more reviews of "Love Wins" that will hopefully be more fair to the contents of the book.

I say all of this because I am expecting to receive my copy today and will hopefully get through it and post a review later this week. I would also encourage all of you to get the book and read it for yourself. Whether or not you find that you agree with Bell I believe that it is important to have an informed opinion. I look forward to reading the book and sharing my thoughts on it.

An Addition to the Browne Family (no not a baby)

2011-03-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago I was sitting on the couch playing Call of Duty: Black Ops when my phone lit up. Sarah, who was spending the evening with Emily, sent me a text message. When I opened the message there was a picture attached. There on the screen of my iPhone was Sarah holding a little puppy with the caption "Can I get him?" underneath. Right away I sent a text back saying "how much?" After the initial text message I began to think. Sarah and I have talked about getting a dog but we have never gone any further than talking. So I called Sarah and Emily and decided that we all would go and "look" at puppies. For the first hour or so we looked at small breeds and nothing really caught our eye, except of couse the English Bulldog that I wanted to name Smoosh Face. Emily had the great idea that we should cleanse our palets by playing with a Golden Retriever. So in came a little blond fur ball. Within ten minuets I was in love. That night Sarah and I and Emily to some extent became proud owners of the most adorable puppy in the world. Tucker.

Having a puppy has required a lifestyle adjustment, I go to sleep and wake up earlier, I go for more walks, and I spend a considerable amount of time on the floor instead of the couches. But it has been SO much fun. Tucker and I go to the park for at least an hour a day to play with some other dogs and to run all that puppy energy out. He was house trained in 11 days, which I thought was pretty good. Sarah and I are very excited to have this new addition to our family.

Princeton, a New Adventure

2011-03-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard already I have been accepted into the Master of Divinity program at Princeton Theological Seminary in Princeton, New Jersey. This is such a great opportunity because of the education that I will receive and the opportunities and resources Princeton can offer, that few other seminaries can.

For the last nine months, Sarah and I have been living in Kansas City MO, where I have been attending Nazarene Theological Seminary. This experience has been a great one and there are many factors that went into deciding to apply to a different school. At a very piratical level Princeton, because of their endowment, is one of the most affordable seminaries in the country. This past semester because of the economy and lack of finances NTS was forced to drop all their Presidential Scholarships which I was getting, making school much more expensive for Sarah and I. I also desired to be at an institution that offers classes in a more traditional style (5 days a week). NTS does a great job offering a schedule that is compatible with students who are already in full-time ministry. Because this was not my situation I found myself desiring a different educational atmosphere. Another important factor is the opportunities and resources that Princeton offers. Because I feel that I could go two different directions vocationally (pastoral or academic) I think that getting an MDiv is important and Princeton is a place that will prepare me for both. With all of these things considered and much conversation with my wonderful wife Sarah, we have decided to move out to Princeton. If I get into a summer language program we will be moving out there in early July. If I do not get into the language program we would move to Princeton in September.

Sarah has been such a wonderful source of support in all of this. She has been honest with me about her concerns and her desire to move back to the midwest but she also sees how great this opportunity is. I could do none of this without her constant love and support.

Lectionary readings for 2/20/11

2011-02-19T06:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I fell off the wagon, but I'm back. Here are the readings for this Sunday (2/20/11).

First reading
- Leviticus 19:1-2, 9-18
Psalm
- Psalm 119:33-40
Second reading
- 1 Corinthians 3:10-11, 16-23
Gospel
- Matthew 5:38-48

Lectionary for 1/9/11

2011-01-09T19:11:00.001-08:00

Here are the texts for this week. I was a little behind this week sorry.

First reading
Isaiah 42:1-9

Psalm
Psalm 29

Second reading
Acts 10:34-43

Gospel
Matthew 3:13-17

WWJD Part:II

2011-01-07T10:41:00.000-08:00

As I continue to work through What Would Jesus Deconstruct by John Caputo I would like to take some time and explore where I think he is going. If you haven't read my first post on the book here it is WWJD.

This past section that I read really dove into deconstruction, especially as it is articulated by Jacques Derrida. I think that deconstruction philosophy has been misunderstood and misrepresented by its opponents in the church. In conversations I have had with people and through books I have read it seems that the fear of deconstruction within the the church has to do with the threat of nothingness. In other words, if deconstruction happens within the church, what will be left or that the church will have nothing to hold onto or believe in. This worry would be valid if the aim of deconstruction was nothingness. I contend that this is where deconstruction has been misrepresented. The point of deconstruction, as articulated by Derrida, is not nothingness but journey.

Derrida saw deconstruction as a means to reclaim journey. He saw that structures and institutions have given people a story with an ending, with a defined goal that was realized. This was called the "present future" meaning that the future was already present. Derrida believed that if the telos or goal of things was already determined or realized even conceptually the journey then became worthless. If we know how the story ends we have no reason to keep reading, we become content with where we are in the story because we know the ending. However, I believe that the story is the important part. Yes, the end is important but isn't how we get there just as important, isn't that we get there important?

Does this new interpretation of deconstruction have relevance for the church? I think that if you look around the answer must be affirmative. I have not gotten to the part of the book where Caputo argues what Jesus would deconstruct but I do have an idea. I think that in some contexts the church believes that it has arrived. That what the church is now, is what it was always supposed to be. This type of thinking assumes that the journey is over. The sense of journey is gone and has been replaced with the sense of comfort and . The journey is replaced by programs and buildings. So I think that Jesus would deconstruct the church.

I am not saying that the church is worthless and not good for anything. I am also not saying that we should not have churches. But I am arguing that the institution of the church must be deconstructed in order for the church to reclaim her sense of journey. We must conceive of the church as the the people who are following in "the way" of Jesus. "The way" implies movement and journey. When we begin to see our call to follow Christ as a journey that has different paths with mountains, valleys, streams, and deserts the church will be able to engage the world in new and refreshing ways.

A Year With the Lectionary

2011-01-02T08:25:00.000-08:00

If I were ever to make a New Years resolution it would probably be that I need to build more scripture reading into the rhythm of my day. I have never been one to make a New Years resolution so I won't start this year.

I will however commit to read scripture along with the lectionary. I have found a lectionary online through the Vanderbilt Divinity Library. I invite you to join me this year as I read along with the lectionary on Sundays. The following link is to the site that I will be using: Vanderbilt Library Lectionary. I will post the readings on my blog on Sundays and will leave reflections from my reading.

January 2, 2011

First reading

Jeremiah 31:7-14

Psalm

Psalm 147:12-20

Second reading

Ephesians 1:3-14

Gospel

John 1:(1-9), 10-18

WWJD

2011-01-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

I have deviated from my planned reading over break. For Christmas I ordered a few books from Baker Academics. I have started What Would Jesus Deconstruct by John Caputo. I love the title because of its play on the WWJD that was so popular in the past twenty years. I am only a quarter of the way through the book but so far it is really good.

The word deconstruction is one that sends shivers down the spines of some, especially when the word is used in conversation with Christianity. Now I can understand why some would feel this way at first glance but I think that when we think about it, deconstruction is very important to theology. In a sense Jesus was a deconstructionist, he came and was a radical correction to the established religion of the day. Deconstruction is a journey, a journey in search of truth. So as Christians begin to think of new ways and avenues to explore their faith an element of deconstruction is needed. This is not to say that everything that was done in the past is dead and was wrong but it is to say that some of what has taken place needs to be changed and must be taken apart in order to move forward.

I am looking forward to getting further in the book and see what Caputo argues Jesus would deconstruct.

Another Year Gone...A New Year Begins

2010-12-31T20:20:00.000-08:00

Well, 2010 has been a crazy year. Sarah and I were lucky enough to take trips to: Utah for a ski trip, Florida with the Bueges, Kansas City to visit friends, and to Ohio for Christmas with my extended family. I also went to Atlanta for the American Academy of Religion Annual Meeting.

Perhaps the biggest event in our lives this year was the move to Kansas City. It is the first time that Sarah and I have lived so far away from our families. At first, we had a very hard time, we were lonely and missed our friends in Minnesota. But we have made it though the loneliness and have met friends, found a church, and Sarah has found a job. I have completed my first semester at NTS and am enjoying being in school.

So what does 2011 have in store? I have no clue. I know that Sarah and I will be in Kansas City through the summer and might be in a different place next fall. I look forward to continuing school and spending time with Sarah. My parents are moving to Alaska (my dad is there already and my mom is moving up in April), so that will be different and we hope to make up to see them sometime this summer.

May this new year bring you new and exciting experiences. I pray that this year will be one that is filled with love, joy, happiness, and peace. But if the year brings pain, suffering, tears, and sorrow I pray that the peace of Christ will be with you.

Home Safely

2010-12-29T06:50:00.000-08:00

Sarah and I made it home safely last night. The trip home took a little over 12 hours and we both were very glad to be home. Our trip to see family for Christmas was wonderful, we are so blessed to have families who are so loving and involved in our lives. I look forward to many more family gatherings.

Today Sarah and I will attempt to get laundry done, bills paid, and clean our place. We are having a few friends over tonight for dinner so that all needs to get done.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends.

Christmas Break Update 1

2010-12-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

Sarah and I have been up in Minnesota for the past few days seeing family and enjoying the snow. It is amazing how much more it feels like Christmas because of all the snow on the ground and the cold temperatures. Tonight we will have an early Christmas celebration with the Buege's and tomorrow morning we will hit the road early and make our way to Ohio. We will spend Christmas with my grandparents and travel back to Kansas City on Tuesday. It is a whirlwind of a trip and it is always hard to see all the people that we would like but the break has been really good so far.

I am starting a Bonhoeffer biography today. It is written by Eberhard Bethge and is considered probably the biography on Bonhoeffer. It is a little over 900 pages, a daunting task, but I am excited to get some more background on Bonhoeffer's life.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas. May we recognize and profess that God is in fact with us and for us in this season.

Remembering/ Looking Ahead

2010-12-18T07:04:00.001-08:00

During this advent season let us remember who we are expecting. Let us read the words of the Jesus' mother. Is our conception of Jesus the same?

⁴⁶ And Mary said:
“My soul glorifies the Lord
⁴⁷ and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
⁴⁸ for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
⁴⁹ for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
⁵⁰ His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
⁵¹ He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
⁵² He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
⁵³ He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
⁵⁴ He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
⁵⁵ to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors.”

What I'm Reading Over Break

2010-12-17T06:58:00.000-08:00

For the first time in three months I get to decide what to read. So over break I am planning on trying to get through a few books. I am currently reading Nate Kerr's Christ, History, and Apocalyptic: The Politics of Christian Mission. Nate is a professor at Trevecca Nazarene University, we met at the American Academy of Religion anual meeting. I am also going to reread Torture and Eucharist by William Cavanaugh. I read this book for a class this past semester but did not read it as throughly as I would have liked. Finally, I would like to read Sanctorum Communio: A Theological Study of the Sociology of the Church by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. This is Bonhoeffer's doctoral thesis which he wrote at the age of 21.

That is some of the reading that I will be doing over break. I am sure that the thoughts and themes will creep into some future posts.

A Must Read Book

2010-12-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

This semester I took Biblical Perspective on Social Justice. The class blew me away. One of the books that was required reading have made my yearly reading list. In class we would read each of out texts, write a three to five page critique and then spend about thirty to forty minuets discussing the text in class.

Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life by Henri Nouwen, Donald McNeill, and Douglas Morrison was a fantastic read. The book begins by reshaping the meaning of 'compassion.' We usually understand compassion as a feeling that we have for those who are less fortunate than us or those those feeling that we have for those who are hurting. The authors argue that compassion is better understood as the ability to 'suffer with' others. This is done by looking at the Latin that we derive compassion from. So instead of it being a feeling it is an action.

The book is separated into three parts. The first is about the Compassionate God. These chapters explore how God emptied himself to enter into humanity and suffered with and for us. The life of Christ is one of obedience to God, even unto death on the cross. Second, the authors argue that compassion can only be lived out within the Christian community. It is only through the connection with others that Christians can truly enter into the suffering of others. The final section is on the "compassionate Way." The authors argue that the way compassion is lived out is through patience, prayer, and action. When they use the world action they are not arguing for some sort of activism, but for the Christian community to call out those systems that are creating suffering and to join others in their suffering. If Jesus' life had a downward pull towards those who were in the margins wouldn't it make sense that the Christian life would follow that downward pull into the margins?

This book is a gem. My short summary does not begin to give it the the credit it deserves. Compassion is a must read for anyone who sees the suffering in our world and desires to make a difference. The progression from God, to the Christian community, and finally to the Compassionate way was written in a beautiful and seamless way. I would recommend this book to everyone. Transforming our compassion from a feeling for someone into the action of suffering with others will radically change the way that we approach those who are suffering.

One Semester Down...

2010-12-15T06:45:00.001-08:00

Well yesterday I attended my last class of the semester. All my work has been turned in, I am done. This semester has been a difficult one for a few reason. First, getting used to a new place was challenging and I don't think that Sarah and I are completely settled but we are getting there. Second, attending a NTS has exposed me to a new tradition. While I like learning about the Nazarene Church, getting used to the language and presuppositions has been difficult. I preformed well this semester and am glad that my hard work has paid off where it counts... in the grade book.

I am glad to be done and this break will be good and hopefully restful. Sarah and I are going to Minnesota for a few days next week and then making the trip to Ohio for Christmas and a party for my grandparents. During the break I will be reading and preparing for my classes next semester. I hope to get some of the research done that is required for my thesis proposal in March.

Next semester doesn't start until January 18, I am taking two classes at St. Paul's School of Theology here in Kansas City. They are offering a Theology of Karl Barth and Doctrine of the Incarnation class this semester. At NTS I will be taking Christian Ethics.

I pray that you all have a wonderful advent season and Christmas. As we approach Christmas day I would challenge us all to think about God's decision to be Emmanuel (God with us). May we always remember that this season is about the birth of our Savior and King. Take rest in the fact that the God of creation chose to be God with us and for us and in no other way.

A Response to Some Questions

2010-12-03T16:16:00.001-08:00

This post is in response to some questions from my last post. My response exceeded the number or characters allowed in a comment. Who knew?

First, with regard to the question of the scripture; both the Psalms and Romans passages I argue need to be read in their context in the story of Israel and the early church. Because of the poetic nature of the Psalms we need to read them that way.

Psalm 33:12

Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord, the people he chose for his inheritance.

I contend that this passage is talking explicitly of the nation of Israel. The second half of this verse is the important in placing the first part in context. David, the assumed author, is talking about his nation. He is talking about how the nation of Israel is the chosen people of God and because of this they are blessed.Now I don’t want to assume that you used this text to imply that the United States is that chosen nation, if that is the case then I would have more objections.

Romans 13:1

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities…

Now in this is a text that we spent a lot of time studying in my class on Romans at Bethel. Paul in this statement is appealing to the Christians in Rome to stay calm. The background is important. When Nero was the Emperor he kicked all the Christians out of the city because of the troubles that they were starting because of the resurrection of Jesus (this is brought up in the writings of Josephus). Since then the Christians were allowed to return. With this in mind Paul is asking the church to not get into trouble with the Roman authority, this was about the payment of taxes. Paul feared that if the Christians refused to pay their taxes and caused political unrest that they would be kicked out again. For Paul it is more important for the church to exist in the empire than to show their displeasure through protest. Now at face value this text could be used to argue for the obedience of the church to the empire, but with the history in mind Paul is asking the church to obey so that Christianity can continue to be active in Rome. I also don’t think that Paul would want this text to be followed to the letter this far removed from context. I think that it is reasonable to argue that this would not apply to a government that is actively asking its citizens to live and act ways that are contrary to the gospel.

Another questions to this is that other nations. If we interpret this text in the way that you put forth there is no reason or need to challenge governments. From this point of view, the church should have left Hitler alone and not speak out against the Holocaust. The churches in the Middle East should just accept the government that oppresses women. The pilgrims should have stayed in Europe amidst the persecution because this is what God has ordained.

Now I am not saying that the above is the argument that anyone is arguing when they quote Romans 13:1, but if it is logically carried out this is where it could lead.

I use the language of violence a lot and without defining what I mean. For this I apologize. By violence I mean any action by an individual or social body inflicts pain or injury (physically or mentally) on another.Now this is a very broad definition and this may be why I am so open to use the language of violence so freely.

The question of “Social Justice” is a huge one and I prefer to use the language of Kingdom ethics because of the assumed definitions that “social justice” brings. Now we may never come to agreement on this issue, let me put that out there up front.

“This concept and particularly the undertones of redistribution deny the basic liberties and freedoms we are to have as God's creation and as followers of Christ. The concept of free will and allowing individuals to choose to right and the freedom to choose to wrong are fundamental aspects of God's creation. Taking these liberties away, even under the premise of charity are fundamentally out of sync with scripture. I challenge anyone to find one example in scripture of forced charity.”

This is just a copy of a comment from the post from yesterday.

I believe that this assumption of the “individual liberties” is not a biblical interpretation of liberty of freedom.The social contract theorist influences this idea of the individual as autonomous and separated from the other. Our original state is that of unity with the other. We were created in the image of God this image is manifest in our relation to one another. This relation was broken in the fall but not completely broken. The law for the nation of Israel was one of the ways that God gave humanity an ability to live with one another.It is important to note the lack of individualistic language in the Old Testament. The language is that of “the nation” or “people.” The people of Israel were given a narrative or story that guided their lives. It did not focus on the individual but on the community. The story of Israel is the story of community not autonomous individuals.

Our nation uses the language of liberties and freedoms in its foundational documents when these ideas and theories are foreign to the community that is articulated in the Old Testament and in the early church. This is how well the state had interweaved itself into the biblical narrative. Nowhere do you find the idea that the individual has liberties and freedoms apart from the other. This idea of freedom and individuality is the result of our find our identity in Locke, Hobbes, and Rousseau.

I believe that the idea of the Sabbath year and the year of Jubilee are areas in the Bible where there are prescribed times of redistribution of goods and freeing from debts. These practices take from those who have accumulated more than others and bring the levels of prosperity back to where every family had the chance at flourishing. The nation of Israel didn’t see these teachings as taking away their God given liberties, but it was a way that the community could be for the other. Whether or not these practices were actually carried out does not matter here; what does is that I see a clear teaching on how the people of God were to redistribute their wealth.

Let me the first to say that I love dialogue. While I may not see eye to eye with everyone I enjoy exploring what it means to a Christian in the empire.

Politics and the Need for Imagination.

2010-12-02T09:49:00.000-08:00

With the rise of the modern age, the church became an important structure within the state. The church has been shaped because of this relationship in many different ways. One of the biggest results is that the church has become enslaved to the politics of the state.

In the United States the church has become an institution that has bought into the myth that the state can bring salvation. This idea, the state as savior, is found in the works of Hobbes, Locke, and Rousseau. These men were very important in the shaping of our country because of their work on social contract. In order to enter into the social contract, they argue that the natural state of humanity is that of the individual. Individuals who enter into the social contract do so because the state can insure their life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Now this thought arose from the “religious wars” of the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, where it was shown that religion would ultimately lead to violence. The promise was that if the individual would consent to be governed then the state would protect its constituents from violence. What actually happened is that the state has become more violent in the attempt to protect itself. Recent history shows that the state has not saved us from violence but perpetuates violence.

The church today has accepted that it must play by the rules of the state. What I mean here is that in our current system the church must play by the rules that are given to them. The rules have had the desired affect; they have domesticated the church. Now what it means to be a Christian to some people comes down to who you vote for. Christianity has become equated with republicanism. Christians think that if they could only elect the right “Christian” people that we could win our country back for God. This idea is an illusion. When was our country Christian? When we took ‘our’ land from the Native Americans while slaughtering them? When we brought hundreds of thousands of Africans to work our fields as slaves? When we didn’t let women vote? When we segregated school, bathroom, and busses? When we dropped an atomic bomb on Japan and hundreds of thousands non-military Japanese died? Or was it when we were so committed to capitalism that we don’t care who makes our clothes or picks or food?

I contend that the idea of taking the nation back for God is exactly what the state wants. This idea of the Christian nation means that we have to participate in the political system. The church thus legitimates the states power over the church. Politics are inherently violent because the political system is built on the use coercive power. The church has accepted that this is the way things are and have rolled up their sleeves and gone to work.

The church needs to begin to remember its prophetic positions within the world. We must begin to use our prophetic imagination, to think of new ways of doing things. When we look back at the prophets we see that they pointed out the injustice and idolatry of the day. These people were able to imagine a different reality. Today we need those voices, which look out and critique what is going on around them.

This gets us to the myth of modernity, that the church has made it. The idea that the church as it is now is where it should always be and is what the church was always supposed to be. We need to begin to use our prophetic imagination to imagine a different reality one that is nonviolent, peaceful, and that does not accept the status quo of coercion.

Nonviolence: Part 1

2010-11-27T22:24:00.001-08:00

In the last two years, I have struggled to reconcile violence and the Christian life. Growing up I was taught that it was what I believed that was important. There was not much emphasis on the life that a Christian was to live other than to abstain from sex, drugs, and drinking. The Christian life was being nice to people and staying out of trouble.

I, at the risk of getting into trouble, am convinced that the Christian life is inherently nonviolent and peaceful. If we are to have an ethic as Christians we should take it from the life of Jesus Christ. Jesus is the one we look to because we profess Jesus to be God incarnate. Jesus is the person through which God decided to enter into humanity. So, if we profess that Jesus is in fact God it is through his life that we see how God acts. It is my contention that the life of Jesus is nonviolent.

If you look at the Sermon on the Mount, a number of times, Jesus denounces the violence of the day and proclaims that the Kingdom of God is different. The Kingdom of God is the new reality that Jesus brings to humanity. It is a reality that is an alternative to the status quo. This new reality is a radical critique of the life as it has been; the violence of the day is no longer the way that people are called to act. Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek (Matt. 5:39), give those who oppress you what they want and more (Matt. 5:40-42). These teachings must be taken seriously.

Before his death, when Judas brought the officials to arrest Jesus, Peter took out his sword and cut a soldiers ear off. Jesus quickly rebukes the violent act and heals the soldier’s ear. If there was ever a time where we would expect to see Jesus condone violence, it would be here. But the Kingdom of God is different. This Kingdom is one that heals the enemy; it rebukes the zeal of violence and seeks to heal.

Our call as followers of Christ is to participate in the in breaking of the Kingdom of God here on earth. This means that we are called to denounce violence and refuse to take part in it. The most challenging however, is working towards peace in situations where violence is already taking place. I challenge all of us to begin to think about how we can begin to live nonviolent lives.

This post is the beginning of a series on nonviolence and peacemaking.

Vocation.

2010-11-07T06:36:00.000-08:00

Growing up I wanted to be a garbage man. Really, ask my parents. While most of my friends wanted to be firemen or veterinarians, I wanted to collect trash. Trash was not the appeal, it was the truck. I remember seeing the garbage truck collect trash and then the big compactor would squash it all together. The biggest attraction however was how the garbage men got to ride on the back of the truck from house to house. I wanted to hang onto the back of a truck while it drove around. It looked so fun, I would imagine myself hanging on with one hand and leaning out as far as I could while the truck was in motion.

As I grew up however the sexiness of the garbage man wore off (and the trucks changed). For much of my life I didn't think much about who I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. I imagine that this is quite normal for a child growing up, why think about the future there were much more pressing issues, like building a fort in the woods.

Both of my parents were teachers and I swore to myself, in high school, that I would never be a teacher. During my first semester at St. Cloud State University I declared my major, elementary education. I had found through my experiences as pre-school aid and working at camp that I loved teaching. This vocational urge was tested though, what kind of teacher did I want to be? I switched from elementary, to secondary and finally to physical education. All the while I never felt fulfilled in what I was doing.

After my junior year I made probably the hardest and best decision of my life. I moved from St. Cloud to Mankato and took a job at Crossview Covenant as the Junior High Director. This was a very important year for me. I learned that I wanted to be in ministry in some capacity but that youth ministry might not be it. So, I went to Bethel University to finish my degree in Biblical and Theological Studies.

Over the past two years I wrestled with the vocation question. Am I a pastor or a professor? I felt that everyone I knew was expecting me to be a pastor, when honestly I was not to wild about the idea. Through conversations with Sarah I have decided to pursue being a professor. I have been lucky to have some professors in my life who have invested in me by taking the time to be pastors to me. This is what I want to be, a professor who approaches students in a very pastoral light. I think that undergraduate students need direction and listening ear and I want to help provide that. I also love to teach and the idea of being able to journey along side students and teach theology is my dream job.

I feel like I finally have a vocational direction. It will require hard work and lots of school, but I feel comfortable with my decision and at peace with this direction.

Decision, Indecision. The Pendulum Swings of Insecurity.

2010-11-03T06:48:00.000-07:00

Over the last five or six years my life has been defined by indecision. By indecision I mean that when I am faced with a big decision, like where to go to school, vocation, sometimes even where we eat, I become paralyzed with fear. My fear is that I will make the wrong decision, and that those who love me will leave me. Now, I understand that this fear is irrational. But because of my past, I have this fear that if people don't like the decisions I make, they will disengage and leave.

So my decision making process is constantly in this "testing the waters routine." I will say that I want to do X and then see how people, especially my wife, react. Then I will say that I really want to do Y and again look for their reactions. By these reactions I make my decision. Now I am beginning to realize that this is not a healthy way to make decisions. In effect, I make the decision that I think will make others happy and not always what I want to do. Now this may sound like I am justifying selfish decisions, this is not my intention. I do however feel that I need to be more confident in what I want to do and make those decisions.

One concrete example is from this past month. Sarah and I have recently moved to Kansas City. I am going to school down here and Sarah has been looking for a job. School has not been exactly what I thought it was going to be, so I have found myself discontent with being down here. When you add the fact that Sarah hasn't found a job yet and that we have not made many friends, we became very homesick. We left family, great friends, and jobs back in Minnesota, and here we are lonely, jobless, and frustrated. So in typical fashion, I try to fix the situation by suggesting to Sarah that we move back to Minnesota. This decision was not because I wanted to go to school in MN but it was because it would easy to be back with our friends and the church we love. Comfort and stability were the driving factors of the decision.

Thankfully, Sarah is patience with me. Because when we really talked about it, I am just really lonely. Does this mean that I hate school? No, I just need to meet people and invest in getting to know new people. So, Sarah and I have again made a decision, to stay in Kansas City at least until I have finished my Masters. I am sorry to those of you who feel that we are yet again not following through with what we have said. But please understand that I am trying to make decisions that are not what I think others want me to do, but rather what I want to do. Thank you Sarah for putting up with me and my indecision.

A big part of my indecision is the idea of vocation. What do I want to do with my life? This question is much more complicated when you are talking about ministry, because everyone uses the language of "call." Around the seminary people talk about "their call" and I am always left wondering if I have missed mine. I know that I love theology and I love people. But have I had a "this is your call" moment with God? I don't know. I do know that through prayer and conversation I have been lead down to NTS and to their MATS program. So, that is what I am going to do. I am going to finish something, without transferring, without trying to fix everything. I am going to take the next step and focus on that step without trying to set up the next three steps. I am going to be present in this stage of life.

Off to Kansas City

2010-08-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, which was much to long ago, our (Sarah and I) lives have changed a lot. We have decided that moving to Park CIty UT would not be the best direction for our lives. So, after some time thinking and praying we have decided to move to Kansas City MO. I will be attending Nazarene Theological Seminary, where I will be in the MDiv program with a certificate in Missional Leadership and Church Planting. The program will take three or four years and we are both very excited. Moving to KC is exciting because we will be close to some wonderful people down there. We will attend Jacob's Well and be close to Erik Leafblad and family. In addition the community of YouthFront is something that we are looking forward to being close to. We have found a great place to live that is just a few blocks from the Plaza and a few miles from school. We hope that this move will put our lives in contact with other people and give us the opportunity to bring the Kingdom of God to out new context.

Sarah will look for a job and hopefully find something that she loves. She might explore taking some classes at the Kansas City Art Institute. She has been so gracious in putting up with my decision making process. I am lucky to have a wife who will put up with the indecision and dreams that I have. We are looking forward to this new chapter in our lives.

Graduation and the Future

2010-01-21T06:17:00.000-08:00

Well it finally happened...I graduated from college. After a stint of 5 and half years I am now the proud owner of a Bachelor of Arts in Biblical and Theological Studies. When I say that I own it I really mean it, after paying a crap ton of money I do consider it a good that I have bought. Graduating for me is really bitter sweet, I have really wanted to be done for a while and after transferring to my third school it was time to get 'er' done. At the same time school is all I have known for over the last half a the decade. So while I am glad to be done I really miss going to class and having deadlines and theological conversations with other students and professors. I had a great time at Bethel and my education there was great.

Now for something completely different...

For the past 2 years the plan was to get my BA and then head straight into my MDiv program or MAT program. School was the logical next step as I head towards my goals of being a pastor or a professor. If you know me this plan has been thought over and over and over again, where to go to school, whether to academic or more evangelical, and where to move to. These questions would haunt me, keeping me up at night and in the way of being able to make a decision. This inability to answer these questions and find a program that I really was sold on was driving me mad. But even more was driving Sarah mad. So after a few conversations, some might call them arguments, we decided that it would be a good idea for me to take a break from school. While I was reluctant to make this decision I do feel that it is the best thing for Sarah and my marriage. So with that decision made we still had the problem of not knowing what we were going to do and wanting to get out of Minnesota. So, in a strike of brillance my wife suggested that me move to a ski town out west. At frist I thought she was joking and the objections started to pile up in my head. So after some conversation I realized that we really dont have anything holding us back and no debt, children or anything like that and that Sarah and I could make this work.

So in 3 week Sarah and I will be taking a ski trip to Park City UT and while we are there hopefully find a place to live. The plan as of now, is that when our lease is up in August here in Eden Prairie we will move out to Park City for a few years, get jobs and spend time together. I am very excited to spend time with my wife in a new place and lets not kid ourselves skiing is a huge draw. I do plan on going back to school but I dont know where and hopefully this time will give me time to figure out if I want to be a pastor or a professor.

TIme off

2009-11-16T15:10:00.000-08:00

Well I am in my last semester at Bethel University in St Paul. I have not been able to blog as much as i would like so, I will be taking an intentional break from blogging and hopefully thinking about this site. After graduation i will return and be more committed to posting. I am currently writing my senior paper which is a paper of at least 30 pages, it has been consuming much of my free time. I am writing on Kenotic Christology and its effects on the way we talk about the Trinity with attention paid to Karl Barth's Doctrine of Reconciliation in CD IV.I. I will post a short summary of the paper when I return.

What a season!

2009-08-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

So, this summer has been super busy. I Moved, got married, went to Mexico, played a lot of golf, lead a group of junior highers at MUUUCE. Sarah and my wedding was more that we both could have ever dreamed of. Starting our lives together has been fun and exciting. We went to Mexico where we had a blast. When we came back we both got sick so that was a bummer and Sarah ended up having to go to the ER. But after seeing the doc and getting some medications she was better. We have both been working and this summer. This summer has also been full of fun times with family and friends.

But like all seasons this one is drawing to a close. With the waning of summer and the dawn of school on the horizon it appears that life will soon change. While the start of summer does not bring a huge change it does bring a different pace and flow. I feel the need to simplify my life a bit, I feel as if I have been running at 156 mph and I really need to slow down and take in what is around me.

I believe that a healthy rhythm of life is important. I would give myself a D- on that aspect of my life. Our small group, who I am blessed to have in my life, are making prayer ropes this week and I hope that this will help kick off this new season of life in an intentionally contemplative way. My hope is that these ropes can help foster a continual posture of prayer as we go about our days. As we feel more connected to God I pray that we will be in tune to what He is saying in our lives.

I think that we will be working though "The Sacred Way" by Tony Jones this semester as a group and I am looking forward to having contemplative practices as a part of my regular worship.

The Shack (part 3)

2009-03-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, time to me honest. I almost cried in Caribou as I read the next three chapters of "The Shack." I do not want to give away the premise of the book so all I will say is that the author has an unbelievable way of drawing you in emotionally (this may be due to my lack of exposure to fiction writing over the last year).

I found myself relating to Mack's pain after his "Great Sadness." The questions that Mack asked and the anger he felt struck a cord with me because this last year and a half. But that is not my focus of this post.

I found the portrayal of God at the shack to be very interesting. Mack meets "God" in his Triune nature; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. These are represented as a large African American woman (father), a Middle Eastern carpenter (Son, Jesus), and an Oriental Women (Holy Spirit). At first glance these characters probably do not fit into the picture that people have of God. The ethnicity of the characters is important because the author is intentionally pushing our concept of God. The idea that God would appear in these different beings for some maybe a hard or even uncomfortable idea, but the manifestations are not the point. The point here is the nature of each character. So far Mack has had the most interaction with the African American woman (father), who is loving, compassionate, and good. She displays foreknowledge and also affirms the free will of humanity.

I am looking forward to seeing the interaction between Mack and God and the dialogue about the "Great Sadness."

The Shack (Part 2)

2009-03-10T09:37:00.001-07:00

For out Meal Group last week we were responsible for reading the first three chapters of "The Shack." I found them engaging, but I feel that the author uses too many words. This is probably do to the fact that for the past year I have been reading non-fiction, theology in particular, where the object of the writing is to get to the point and less about painting a picture for the reader. This is one struggle that may be a prevalent theme as I work though "The Shack."

There is one aspect of the this section that jumped out at me. The main character's wife calls God Papa. It is because of her deep relationship with God that she feels that God is her Papa. The idea of calling God Papa for me is foreign because I do not feel that I have a relationship with God like one of a Papa. Its not because I do not feel God's love or anything like that but it is just hard for me to think of God that way. It almost seem irreverent to me. I do think that there is something to be said for having a faith where you can see God as a Papa character. The word papa brings a picture of gentleness and love to my mind. But what about people who do not have that positive picture of a "papa" figure.

At the core of this issue is our picture of God. I am not talking about the pictures of Jesus hanging in our Churches with his long flowing hair and white robe. I mean when I say the word 'God' that do you see in your mind. Each of our conceptions of God is different. This is very apparent when we start to give attributes to this God. When we talk about 'God the Father' there are mental images that immediately enter out minds. For those who have a loving and caring father this is not a problem because that makes sense. But, for the person who's father was abusive or addicted or just not around what does that say about God? I would argue that this picture of God is one of the most important aspects of our faith. It is important that our view of God is congruent with the nature of God in the Bible. One of Satan's best ways of distorting our relationship with God is by distorting our picture of God. I pray that we all can spend some time thinking about what our image of God looks like and if that picture is a 'healthy' picture of God that is congruent with Scripture.

The Shack

2009-02-09T08:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at the Upper Room the author of "The Shack" William P. Young was interviewed by Kurt the teaching pastor. This was the kick-off to the spring Meal Groups (the Upper Room small groups) season. In these Meal Groups we will be reading and discussing The Shack. I have heard a lot about this book both positive and negative so I am looking forward to reading it. I went into the interview skeptical of the author because I feel that sometimes authors of Christian fiction make up unreal situations to play on the emotions of the reader. But after hearing the story of how "The Shack" came into being and the story of the author I am looking forward to the journey through the book. The author had a pretty crazy life and if you have a chance I encourage you to see him talk. "The Shack" comes out of him working though things in his life. He says that the shack represents our soul and that is where we confront the "crap" in our lives (past or present). He said that we as humans cannot go around the shack but we all must go though the shack if we want to be healed and we must do this with God and others in our lives. The premise of the book is that this guy works through losing his daughter through encounters with the Triune God. One of the main themes in the book is how does forgiveness work in situations of great pain. I hope that the journey through this book will help me through my shack and that healing will come. Looking back at the last year and a half I know that I have a lot of things to work through, and I hope that reading and dialoging with others about "The Shack" over the next 3 months will help to heal my heart and that I will be able to forgive.

So along the way I will be posting my thoughts on the book and how I am processing my past. I look forward to this journey.

Christianity and Social Networking (Facebook)

2009-01-23T08:21:00.000-08:00

As J term comes to an end, my group has to give a presentation on postmodernism and Facebook. My contribution to this project along with sharing my wicked awesome ideas was to interact with two of the essays from our book Christianity and the Postmodern Turn Edited by Myron B. Penner. This book has six different views of the effect of postmodernism on Christianity and how Christianity should respond to postmodernism. Each of the six views are different, there are two that argue that postmodernism is not a good thing for Christianity and that it should be avoided the third is buy Kevin J. Vanhoozer and is a very interesting view on how postmodernism is positive in the fact that it reminds us of our finitude and our limitations as humans, while he argues that Scripture needs to be exempt from deconstruction because it is a sacred text. Of all the essays he seems to want to find a middle ground. The second three theorist argue that postmodernism is a positive thing for Christianity. I really enjoyed reading this book and I feel that the question, what is the role of postmodernism for Christianity and theology? is a very important question as we venture further into postmodernity.

For the sake of the project I am going to take R. Douglas Geivett’s and Merold Westphal’s essays and try to determine how they would think that Christians should respond to a network like Facebook. I caution any reader who is not part of my class that this is a very small picture of the work and beliefs of these theorists and further reading and thought may be needed (by myself as well) on this subject.

In his Essay Is God a Story? Postmodernity and the Task of Theology R. Douglas Geivett talks about how postmodernism rejects metanarratives (overarching worldviews) but at the same time he focus on the importance of story. Each person has their own micronarrative or contextual story. These stories are important to the individual and can be based on fact or they can be fabricated.

“The world of make-believe then, provides an avenue for insight into the pathways of the actual world.”

This quote is important as we look at Facebook. Every time someone logs on to a Facebook account she/he sees an incredible amount of stories all of them different. Each profile is a story in itself, a person’s name, status, sex, interests, political and religious beliefs, etc. make up the story of that person. Now you as the viewer of the page have the decision to accept what you see as true, to reject what you see as false or to withhold your judgment on who that person is. This is the interesting thing about Facebook, you can put pretty much whatever you like on your profile. But this needs to be understood because what is put on your profile or friends’ profiles can be seen by others and sometimes by people you don’t even know.

Another theme of Geivett is his strong feeling about how Christians need to be set apart and different from culture at large. He argues that a foundation is needed in order to build one’s faith on and that the foundation should be rigid and unquestioned. I agree with this to some extent but I do think that as Christians we take it too far. Are we to create our own little Christian world so that we do not need to interact with anything Non-Christian? Are we to delve into the wilderness as it were to follow the Essen’s in some 21 century way? I think that this is one of the possible reactions that some Christians could have to Facebook, because it has the ability to deceive us and raises some concern about safety on the internet, Christians could reject it all together and not take part in it. Also there are Christian social networking sites, that are for “real Christians” one of these is 101 Christian Spaces. There are also different versions of board games and the popular dace game DDR. The Christian version of DDR is called Dace Praise and I think it’s unneeded. So we are confronted with a question how do we embody being in the world but not of the world as it pertains to Facebook? I understand there are some negative things about Facebook but I think that the ability to network and communicate with people far outweigh the negative things. I also think that the idea that if something is successful Christians need to make a "Christian" version of it is ridiculous, in some ways this may give not yet Christians an idea that if they become Christians they will have to trade in all of their activities for the "Christian endorsed ones."

Onto-theology, Metanarrative, Perspectivism, and the Gospel by Merold Westphal is the second essay that I will look at. Westphal is much more open to the ideas of postmodernism with Christianity and theology. He confronts Lyotard's definition of postmodernism as; incredulity towards metanarratives, Westphal questions what Lyotard means by metanarratives and interprets Lyotard to mean any overarching worldview that is used to enact injustice and tribalism. So then, is the Gospel a metanarrative? Yes, but is it the kind of metanarrative that Lyotard would seem to be incredulous towards? Westphal would argue that it is not. I seem to agree with Westphal on this point because I do think that being a Christ follower calls for a metanarrative and that the gospel should be what we live out in our lives. Westphal also values prespectivism. “In short, perspectivism is the relativism that insists that we are not God, that only God is absolute.” This gives us (Christians) the ability to live our lives and share out stories. So from this point of view Facebook can be a great place for us to share out stories. If our responsibility is to engage a broken world and show love, hope, and compassion like our Savior Jesus Christ we should use whatever interaction we have with others as a chance to share our stories, because though our stories hopefully people will see His story.

Thank You for Dancing

2009-01-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

This past Sunday, Sarah and I attended our home church in Mankato, MN. Our church has a new beautiful building. I sometimes have a difficult time worshiping here because the worship center is not exactly the environment that I think a church should have. I love the people there and the staff have been very involved in shaping who I am becoming as someone who wants to be part of full time ministry but we just have different ideas of how church is run and embodied .

During worship I was having a very hard time focusing on God. I don't know what it was but I was just distracted. But then out of the corner of my eye I saw a little girl. This girl who couldn't have been more than 7 was sitting in the front row with her mother. The thing that caught my eye was that she was dancing. As the music played she jumped, hopped, kicked her legs, and moved her body with the music, a few times she would use her moms hand and spun under her mothers arm. As "All Creatures of our God and King" and "My God, My Savior" played, she danced. That was when it hit me, she got it and probably didn't even mean to or know it. She was freely expressing herself through dance. I tend to get cynical and critical of worship services and as it began to happen all I could do is watch this girl. As this beautiful dance unfolded before me it was so clear that she just wanted to be a part of it all. I wasn't the words that I was singing, it was the dancing of the little girl dancing with her God that made me realize that for so long I have gotten it wrong. As the tears welled up in my eyes I thanked God for this little girl and for the lesson that she taught me. I hope that I can approach God in the same way, to let my worries go and just take God's hand and dace with him.

So, little girl from church thank you for dancing.

Understanding Postmodernism

2009-01-08T23:17:00.000-08:00

This January I am taking Christian Responses to Postmodernism. Going into this class I was excited because "postmodern" is a word that is thrown around, almost recklessly, in Christian circles. This word has been used to describe a generation, service type, and ideologies. To some extent these uses are right, but after this week of investigating the emergence of the postmodern I wonder if all the ways that "postmodern" is used are correct. It is of course an adjective for a new worldview, (generally used by someone outside of the postmodern) but the postmodern would insist that it cannot be a worldview because that is exactly what postmodernism deconstructs.

One of my main questions of postmodernism is how can we move forward as a society and culture if we are not to set up a new world view or meta-narrative. The modern way of thinking would be to just set up a new system. But can we live or survive without a system? The postmodern, would say yes. I am open to looking at new ways of viewing the world in this time of post-modernity and hope to gain more of an understanding of what the future holds if we cannot (as a postmodern would argue) have a meta-narrative.

More to come on this subject...

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T22:07:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! Today was such a wonderful day. Spent the whole day just hanging around, it was really nice to just take it easy. Sarah and I spent Christmas in Mankato with her family. We went to church on Christmas eve and woke up early to open presents at the Buege's (I slept at my house). Sarah and I are heading to Ohio this morning to see my family. They are all very excited to meet Sarah.

As this holiday season draws to an end it seems to me that Christmas has become something so different from what its initial intent. Our society has projected Christmas as a time to be loving and generous to others epically financially or with presents. With ads that say "You have been good this year, you deserve it" when talking about buying yourself a car. I am not saying that the exchange of presents on Christmas is not a good thing but I do feel that the acquisition of "stuff" has overshadowed the Christmas story.

Looking at the Biblical narrative and in particular the birth stories they look nothing like what we see in December. I think that in the business of the holidays we,myself included, get caught up in the consumeristic rat race. I hope and pray that we can pause and take some time to reflect on the meaning of the birth of our Savior. How this boy grew into a man, who through his self-sacrificial love and radically different life has reconciled us back to God. If we would only respond and be Kingdom people, and maybe that means looking at Christmas differently next year.

What a Year

2008-12-21T23:59:00.000-08:00

So it has been a little over a year since the break up. Looking back at the last year has been really fun for me. Yes the first 3 months sucked and I probably suffered from some pretty bad depression (ok I know i did). But I met Sarah and our relationship has been such a big part of why this last year has been so formative. I lived with Erik, Amy and Soren (they have recently added a little girl). I left my job as a youth pastor and went to Bethel University to finish my undergrad in Bible and Theology. All the while Sarah my relationship grew.

We got engaged last Monday (12-15-2008). I couldn't be happier with my life right now, I am in love and have found someone who loves me for me and is excited for the journey in front of us. On Monday when Sarah and I were hanging out after the proposal we looked at my blog post from a year before (12-15-2007), I blogged about knowing that God had something spectacular for me, I didn't know what it was. But I can now truly say that Sarah is that spectacular person in my life. We are getting married on July 3rd this summer. Then its off to a week at St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands. Who has two thumbs and is going to be really sun burnt?? This guy.

I am also loving school. I know I as still in school I feel like it has been forever, and it has been. I am now in my 5th year but am at Bethel and feel like I am at home academically. I love the discussions that I have with other students and professors and ultimately this experience will make me a better communicator of the Gospel. Greek is hard but hopefully it will be rewarding when I can read my Greek New Testament. Next semester it is Greek 2, Romans, Significance of the Old Testament for Today, Christian Theological Debates, and Advanced Historical Theology: Barth and Bonhoeffer. Fun, Fun, and lots of reading.

Bethel and other random thoughts

2008-09-15T16:23:00.000-07:00

So it's been a long time since my last post a few quick updates.

I had a great summer working with the Senior High at church. This summer was very fun we took a trip to Colorado and went white water rafting and camping. I guess that would be the highlight of the summer. I got to spend a week with the graduated 8th graders and that was really special because I had been with them all year and it was a cool way to send them into the Senior High ministry.
This summer I also went to MUUUCE with the Junior High, Valleyfair, and played some rounds of mini-golf.

I am now at Bethel University. We are three weeks in and I am already wishing that I had done all of my education here. The focus on personal faith is something that makes this school different from the previous 2 schools. Professors here are also very interested in our faith and we open class with prayer everyday. To see even school as an area that I can use to glorify God is really cool. Chapel is a held three times a week and for me they are a great way to start my day, I have class for four and a half hours after chapel is over.

Sarah and I are doing great. The past almost six months have been some of the most fun that I have ever had. It has been so great leaning to love again and having a relationship that is fun, uplifting, and life giving is such a blessing. It makes such a difference when you find someone who loves you for you and doesn't want you to change. I am very excited to see where Sarah and my relationship goes in the future.

Well that's about it.
Grace and Peace

A New Chapter

2008-05-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Over the past 3 months life has been flying by. I ended up having to drop my classes this semester because of the mystery sickness. Which by the way the doctors at Mayo still don't understand. So I have been working pretty much full time. I love working with the Junior High. The kids are so fun and are teaching me about my self and God every week.

But as life moved on it became clear to me that I wanted to study theology. So I applied and was accepted at Bethel University in St. Paul. I am very excited to get back into school and study things that will prepare me for seminary. So I will not be working with the Junior High next year. This saddens me greatly but I feel that going to school is what I need to do at this point in my life. I will stay in my position through the summer and will be done sometime in August.

Recently Erik and Amy resigned from our church. This is another huge thing in my life. Over the past 5 months I have gown to love Erik, Amy, and Soren as family. The community that we have is so valuable to me and has taught me that sharing life together is very important to me. I will miss them very much but I will also never forget the time that we spent together. I know that through them I have a family that loves me and will always be there for me.

Again my life is changing, but I am very excited about where God is leading me.

Reconciliation

2008-02-20T08:04:00.000-08:00

So today would have marked the 6 year anniversary of our relationship. So this moring all i have been able to think about is what I have lost. the last few nights I have been having dreams some disturb me and others make me not want to wake up. The truth is that as the two month mark passes it was getting better. But I have found myself needing some closure and some questions answered. So I have tried to reach out to her and have expressed my want to talk and just get some things figured out. But she only seems able to send me a card or a text. Agian she sent me a text asking how I was feeling and that she was worried. I told her that we need to talk and that texting was not the way that we should be communicating. But she seems completely unwilling to talk and really releace me from the bondage of my questions. Will I never get answers? Will I go into my next relationship with these insecurities and fears?

So I am at Dunn Bros. right now and have been reading my bible. I am reading through 2 Corinthians and started at chapter 5 today. As I was reading I got to verse 18 through 21. WOW!! Just what I didn't want to read.

"All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himselfin Christ not counting people's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

It seems to me that reconciliation is really important as it is mentioned 5 times in these two verses (now underlined in red). As Paul writes this letter to the church of Corinth it makes me wonder what was going on. Was devision and brokeness manifestion itself in the church. Or was the church not living this message of reconciliation? Either way there is a call here to the church to be agents of reconciliation. What does this mean for my situation? I have no clue. But the call is to be reconcilied to God. Maybe I need to just give up on the reconciliation of her and I and really focus on the reconciliation between God and I. I do know that as I think about what happened I find myself more frustrated and more discontent. I have aimed these feelings towards myself and her. But maybe deep down I am aiming them at God. I know that I am reconciled becasue of what Chirst did but have I been blaming God for what what happened and how I have been feeling.

But this also gives me hope. I love the word reconciliation. Things will get better even if I don't talk to her becasue the reconciilation is between God and I. As I think about this message and how we can live this life of reconciliation it is exciting because there is hope for peace, love, and justice. But isnt how we are reconciled with others how we are reconciled with God? I guess I need to think and pray. More to come later.

The Sickness

2008-02-07T14:03:00.000-08:00

For the past three weeks I have been sick with the sickness. I call it "ABD" (Andy Browne Disease). Ever since I was 10 every two years I get ABD. During one of these episodes I run a fever, I am very fatigued, and am very sore. My body also does some cool stuff. My White Blood Cells get very low, my spleen becomes enlarged, and my lymphatic system goes kinda crazy.

So during this last episode my home doctor decided that I should go to the Mayo Clinic. So I went last Thursday and saw a doctor and got some blood taken. The doctor said that I should see an Infectious Disease doctor and so I went there on Monday. He looked me over and scratched his head and then he ordered some more blood tests. At this point in my life I have had blood taken so many times that I don't mind and would rather get blood taken than a lot of other things in life like throwing up or having a fever break. He then said that I should see a Rheumatologist so after a head CT that afternoon my mom and I found a hotel and waited until my appointments on Tuesday. Tuesday morning I got up and went to my body CT. I had to drink this contrast and it wasn't that bad. I got called back and had an IV put into my arm and waited again until it was my turn to get scanned. When I was called into the CT room I was given this dye in my IV and as I was scanned it made my body really hot. I was on my back and was being sucked into this tube that was shooting stuff through me and this hot sensation was moving from my mouth to my toes. It was really uncomfortable. When the scan was done my mom and I had to run up to my second appointment with a Rheumatologist. I was 45 minutes late but the doctor was able to see me. I saw her for about an hour and then she said that she thought that I should see a Hematologist (blood doctor). So she got on her phone and got me an appointment with a Hematologist on Wednesday. Then she ordered some more blood work so I went and got stuck again. On Wednesday Erik went with me to Mayo and we saw this new doctor. As I met with him and his resident it seemed like we were making some progress and that we might actually find out what is going on with my body. So he ordered some blood work and I went and got stuck again.

The biggest blessing of the week happened on Wednesday. Erik and I found out that Etta the daughter of Juana and Jesse who are a part of our church was having some surgery at Mayo. So we called and found out where her room was and Erik and I went over and said hi. I don't know Jesse and Juana very well but the hour and a half that I spent with them on Wednesday was the most valuable interaction that I have had with someone in a long time. Their daughter is so strong and beautiful. Being able to spend some time and just listen to Jesse and Juana talk about the surgery and to be given the chance to be a part of their lives was such a great experience. So Etta, Jesse and Juana thank you. I pray that your recovery goes well and quickly Etta.

Today I have been feeling OK. I am still really tired but my fever is gone. As I got done with a meeting the doctor that I had seen originally (he's like the quarterback) called me. He said that he just got done talking to my Hematologist and they didn't think that it was what we thought it was yesterday. BUMMER! He set up an appointment with a genetic specialist and I guess thats my next step.

My hopes were up that we had found out what was going on and then with one phone call we were back at square one. It's so depressing to be sick and not have anyone know what is going on with you. I am really tired of doctors and hospitals. I am also sick of being stuck. I guess they hope that this genetic doctor will find something. But on the other hand if they do it will mean that this illness will be something that I could pass onto my kids. WHAT!! It sucks having to think about that.

Lonely

2008-01-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

The past few days I have found myself just staring. Not at anything in particular but just staring off into space. On Sunday I spent over an hour just staring at the wall after our small group. While I stare I just go over the questions that are in my mind. Sometimes I say them out loud.

I feel as if my life has been put on pause but I still have to go through all of the motions. I am not finding myself passionate about anything. Except for my friends. I am finding that I love people and that the people that are close to me are very special to me. I have not always been like this but I thank God for this new passion. My time with my small group is a good time for me to get away from the thoughts of the last month. Will I ever love someone? Will I ever BE loved by someone? I feel so alone. I am not saying that I am pursuing companionship but I just feel like there is no one there. There is this void in my life and all I do is look around and see others that are happy and its hard to accept where I am at right now.

I went to the Timber Wolves game yesterday. As I parked our car I saw a Black Altima. The only thoughts that I had was that she was there with another guy. I didn't really pay attention to the game. I was just ready to see her on the big screen with someone else. I spent the whole game in a haze of questions and frustration. Do you have any idea how many people drive the same car she has? Like a million. What is going on in my life if, when I see that car I get depressed? What happened to hope. I just want to talk about it but everything that I want to say has been said. It's over and I need to accept that. Is it bad if I feel like I got the raw end of the deal? Is it bad if I don't want to interact with others? All I want to do is sleep and be alone. But I look around and there are people in this world that are way worse off than I am. How can I feel this why when I just went through a break up.

I hope that sometime soon I can be normal again. Not spend all day thinking about her and how I wish that there were some way that I could feel better. How do people deal with loss? Why does my future seem so far away and why do I not even really care? Why is seminary so unappealing? Where is my self confidence?

Though you have mad me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up.
Psalm 71:20

Things will get better...they will. My heart will never be the same but I trust that God will restore me.

The End...

2008-01-14T17:00:00.001-08:00

On Sunday I was having another hard day. Thoughts racing through my head, questions that would not leave. In our college age Sunday school class we watched Rob Bells NOOMA video "Kickball". It talks about how we want things. We always have something that we want. Mine was to have her back. But he goes on to say that sometimes what we want is not what is best for us. That if we got what we wanted it might make things worse for us. That is really easy to say but it is extremely hard to accept. The video is about his son wanting something and being upset because he doesn't get it when his parents have planned on taking him across the street to get a kick ball. To Rob's son all he could see is what he wanted at that moment but his parents had better plans. So the video ends with this quote "So when you find yourself standing at the kiosk, asking, "Why can't I have what I want?" may you believe that God is good, and that right across the street he has something better."

That is also easy to say but very hard to believe when you are in the mist of the deepest hole in your life. It was easy for my friends to say see. God has a plan. Yes I know. But it is so hard and hurts so much think about not having what you planned. Not loving who you love. So after church I went home and wrote her a 3 page letter. It explained how I have felt during and after the break-up and the confusion that the card that I received created. I also said that I loved and missed her. I showed the letter to people close to me and asked if I should send it and they said it was up to me. So I was late to class and didn't have a chance to mail it this morning. When I got to work all of the things that I needed back from her were on my desk. So I guess I don't need to send the letter. I know how this story ends. I know that she has moved on and that her job and life up there was ultimately more important. That sucks. I wish that she felt the same what as I did. She does not feel the way she said she did in the card. I am finding myself becoming more mad at how this has happened. How do you have a almost 6 year relationship and be engaged and stuff and break up over the phone. We always promised that if we did break up that it would not be over the phone. How then do you totally disconnect and not return phone calls or texts. Then send a card that says you love me and still not contact me. How can you say you love me and have you mom put the things that you had of mine on my desk. How can you just shut off? The only reason I gave her stuff to her mom was because she would not communicate to me.

I tried. I failed.

Is there something better across the street? Who knows.

Life Goes On...I Guess

2008-01-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

Well there has still been no contact. A few days ago I woke up from a dream about how she came and picked stuff up from my house and didn't even say Hi. She just drove off. In the dream I remember running to my phone and as fast as I could dialing her number to ask her why she wouldn't just talk to me. Thats when I woke up. It was 7:00AM. I had been wanting to call her and just see how she is doing and ask about the card, because it was very confusing to me. So I decided to call her. It was early but I knew she was getting ready for work. The phone rang and there was no answer. So I left a voice mail that said "Hey I really would like to talk to you. About the card and just to see how you are doing. So give me a call." That was a Monday. I have not received any communication from her except the card. I wish that we could be adults about this. I think that I have moved past the thought that we will get back together but I still would like this to end clean. We were friends before we started dating and our breakup was not ugly and terrible so (I don't think at least) I guess I wish that we could just move past this.

I have started living with Erik and Amy. It has been great the two nights so far. We started to think how we could embody the gospel. What can we do to intentionally share our lives with others. So we talked and decided that I could live with them. I am living in the downstairs bed room. I look forward to the community that we will have and how that will expose us to different views of who Jesus is and what His life was like.

False Hope

2008-01-04T07:54:00.001-08:00

After the card came I guess I was expecting her to contact me or something. The language that was used was not the language of someone who had broken up with their boyfriend of almost 6 years. I guess I have spent the last week with a sense of hope that was not really there. I feel like my emotions have been manipulated. I was given a card that said exactly what I wanted to hear as far as her still loving me and missing me. I spent time thinking about her and the memories of us, with a hope that this card was the beginning of our reconciliation. But it apparently is not that. I kind of feel used, it was so easy to start thinking about her and wanting things to be back to the way they were. I wish they were. But that will not happen.

I am not saying she sent the card to manipulate me on purpose, because she wouldn't do that. But I am saying that because of my emotions and the point at which I am at in processing this, it was very easy to see this card as a start in the journey of us coming back together. I really need to be patient, by God's time I will move on.

The Card

2007-12-29T11:04:00.000-08:00

Today was one of the best mornings I have had sense we broke up. I went late Christmas shopping with my dad. When we got home I was looking for a new digital camera online with him. My mom came down with a card that was to me and was post marked on the 22nd. I opened the card and read.

"In a perfect world we'd be together at Christmas.
But since we're not, I'll be thinking of you just as I do so many other times throughout the year...
visiting favorite memories, wondering how you are doing, and sending all my wishes for a happiness this Christmas."

Andrew-
Sorry this looks cheesy but it is exactly how I feel, just wanted you to know that I hope you have a merry Christmas. I miss you and love you more than you will ever know.
Love,
Me
XOXOXXX

Tears streamed down my face as I read the card for the fourth time. What does this mean? Is this really how she feels? If this is how she feels why didn't she text me or call me when had sought her out? What am I going to do? Does she really love me? If she felt this way why wouldn't she fight for our relationship? Why did things end the way they did? The questions that I thought that I had put to rest are all back at the surface and running a marathon in my brain.

Any feeling of closure that I had or feeling of healing has been destroyed because this card gives hope or at least that is what I read. I really was having a good day...not that this ruined my day but all I can do is think.

Yesterday I gave my wedding band back to her mom along with two sweatshirts and a book of hers. I was ready to start to mend this broken heart. All hope that I had about our relationship was gone. After giving that stuff back I went back to my office and cried. That was really it, all her pictures are down, stuff was given back, there had been no communication...move on Andy.

But then the card came. I kind of wish my mom would have just not given it to me and that I would not have read it. But I did and have been thrown into this state of disequilibrium. I will not call her or text her because I have tried that. I do not need to pine over what this card means. It means what it says...but how can it with the way that things ended. I need to trust that God has a plan and that it is to prosper me and not to harm me.

Yes, I am still very much in love with her.

I Remember That

2007-12-27T21:21:00.000-08:00

While my family and I were on our way home from Ohio, I received a text from one of my best friends Heather. It said that Jeff (her boyfriend) had proposed. I was so happy for them. Jeff is a great guy and I am so happy to be able to call both of them my friends.

Later tonight we were all over at Heather's parents house and there were a lot of people there. Everyone was asking Heather about how Jeff popped the question and wanting to see the pictures and all. All of the sudden I felt really out of place. I remember answering those questions. I remember not being able to stop smiling and telling everyone who would listen about me getting married. I am very happy for Jeff and Heather. I can't wait to see them start their lived together. I was not able to express that as I would have liked to. I felt a rush of emotions come over me. I left, and before I made it to my car I was in tears. I remember that feeling. It will not happen with her and it really hit home tonight. The drive home was hard all that kept going through my head was the fond memory of me placing the scrapbook in her hands and then getting on my knee with the ring clutched in my sweaty hands. I remember asking her to marry me. I remember her saying yes and crying, I remember the hug and the kiss. I did not write this to distract from you moment I am so happy but just to apologize.

So Heather and Jeff I am sorry that I was not around tonight. I love both of you and am so very excited for you two. Remember this day and hold on that love.

Matthew 16:25

2007-12-21T17:04:00.000-08:00

This morning was very hard. I have texted her twice in the last two days. Both about what I should do with the wedding band that she bought. I have not received an answer either time. I guess that she is sending a pretty clear statement that things are over. It has just been really hard to wrap my head around. To think that she will not be my wife is very hard, after all the planning that we did together and the future that we talked about all the time.

While I was reading @ Dunn Bros. today Matthew 16:25 came into my head.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

I am not saying that I have found God or that I have any more answers about who God than you. But in the last 9 months my life has had lots of changes, different school, town, friends, and the end of our relationship. Maybe this was the last thing that needed to be turned upside down in my life so that God had everything. I feel like I have lost my life...she meant so much to me and it is hard for me to get over the fact that things are different now. I hope that this situation points to who God is and our interaction with him.

We are on our way to Ohio tonight and hopefully the holidays will get my mind off of everything that is going on.

Thoughts on my time away

2007-12-20T17:57:00.000-08:00

Today and the previous two have been great. Being up north was so relaxing. I read my bible, took naps, prayed, sat in front of a fire and listened. I wish I could say that something profound happened to me or that God spoke to me in an audible voice. But none of that happened. I did spend a lot of my time reading James. It was very different living a whole day without my phone or without the internet or a computer. I wish that I would and could put myself in that situation more often. At first I was uneasy with this silence but after a while it was comforting.

I went for a walk and that was great. As i stepped through the 14 inches of snow and as the wind whipped against my face I was in awe of the peacefulness and beauty of my walk. I stopped at the lookout where I have spent much time in the past. Sitting there I thought about the past as well as what the future will bring. I thought about finishing school and where I may want to go to seminary. There was a freedom in these thoughts that I have not experienced in a long time. Unlike the thoughts last week where the future scared me and I did not know what the next step was. I know now, life will continue and all I need to do is be faithful.

On Wednesday I spent some time writing down all my Dreams, from being with her and marrying her to owning a boat and being a pastor. Later that night while I sat in front of a fire and prayed I took out my sheet of dreams and put them in the fire. I did this to symbolize that it is not what I want but rather that my future is God's. Even though I see that my personal future is somewhat unclear I know that God has plans for me.

Tonight I took all of her pictures down. I put all of the pictures and frames in a bag that contains every note that she ever wrote to me. I also put all the cards that I had received from her in that bag as well. Before I put them in the bag I read everyone of them. It is amazing how much things have changed and how in love we were. I can't believe how happy we were. I miss that and wish that our relationship would have continued that way.

Going Away...

2007-12-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

So I am going up north tomorrow for the rest of the week. I am scared to face what God may have in store for me. This time may just be what I need. I look forward to the rest and I also look forward to sitting down to read my bible.

Today was really hard. It has offically been a week. I thought that if she had something to say to me about us that it would have happened today. All I wanted all day was for her to call and say "I love you". But that didn't happen. But I still love her and today reminded me of that more than ever.

This week may just be about letting go. I will be without my phone, internet and social distraction.

May God be with you and me in this time.

That Sick Feeling

2007-12-16T20:43:00.000-08:00

Today was OK. My parents got home and that was really huge. This afternoon was the first time I got to tell them what was happening and how I was feeling. I really don't know how I am feeling. I can only describe it as that sick feeling in your stomach when you know things are not right. The feeling that makes you want to keep everything the same in order to possibly have things return to "normal". I just don't what to do...this feeling won't go away. My parents listened to me and comforted me when I needed it. It is good to know that my parents were praying for me as they traveled back from their vacation.

Tonight my small group played games. This time together was fun and it got my mind off of the pain that I am going through. These friends are more valuable than I will ever be able to tell them. I wish that I could express the amount of love I have for them and the gratitude that I feel towards all of them. It's cool how God can use a game night to bring bring closer community to our small group.

I was commissioned (or presented to the congregation) at church today. This was bitter sweet for me. I love my job and the people around me but without her it just doesn't seem right. My dream would have been to have her by my side the whole time. To share in this time of affirmation and joy.

I guess I figure that she would have called by now. If things were not really over or if we were really going to work on things than we would have talked. Seeing her parents in church was hard today. Not because I am mad but because for so long I was a part of that family and I look up to them and love them very much. What do I do with those feelings? How can I still show the love that I have within me for her brother and sister who have become part of my family and to whom I aspire to be a Godly example.

Will she ever contact me? Will I ever get answers? Will this sick feeling go away?

I am thinking of going away for a while. (up north for a few days) Not to escape but to intentionally retreat into God's creation and seek him fully. Does the noise in my life make it hard for me to hear God? In this time of solitude I will seek to achieve what Psalm 4:4 says "Search your heart and be silent". It has been a very long time sense I sat silent before God without distractions. (cell phone, computer, social pressures, job, TV, internet, email) I think that this would be a very hard task for me but I think that it is just what I need.

Have I ever had a moment like Elijah where God uses silence to speak to me? I long to be comfortable in silence, comfortable with just me and God.

Thank all of you for your prayers through out this past week for I know that I would not have made it though without your support. I am broken, scared, nervous and in love. God sent his Son so that I am now healed and saved and Jesus was broken, scared, nervous and heartbroken.

Realization

2007-12-15T12:01:00.000-08:00

Today has been pretty much the same. Except for the fact that I am starting to realize that no matter what I do I can't make her love me. No matter how much I think about her and pray for her to come back will make her actually do it. I can not will her back into my life I can't make her think that she made a mistake. All I can do is trust in God. Trust that he has something spectacular for me. This process sucks and I am still having a very hard time figuring out what is to come next. I still love her. But I can't make her want me.

Hanging On...

2007-12-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

Am I just hanging on? To what was, to what was going to be? What does it mean to let go, to move on? I don't think that I am to that point yet. If we are put into situations like this is the correct response to work through things as fast as you can so that you can be "OK". The other option is that we are put in situations to learn about ourselves and to learn about God. If we rush through the hard times in our lives do we totally skip what God is doing within us?

What is God teaching me? Where is God working in my life? How does the gospel of Jesus fit into my situation? Are my eyes and heart open to what God is doing?

I didn't sleep much last night. I kept waking up to dreams, dreams that were not true but made me very insecure. I do not see what happened to my relationship as someone being at fault. I just feel that we grew apart. These dreams highlighted my insecurities. After waking up to them it was very hard to get back to sleep.

I am still plagued with the same questions as yesterday. I wish I could just shut my brain off.

I guess I just want to know if this is really it. I mean it has been ended and there has been no communication that would contradict our relationship being over. I guess that it is just my optimistic state of mind that thinks that she will call and that we will be able to work things out. The truth is she probably won't and I will someday be able to think about something other than her. I need to start thinking and acting as if this chapter of my life is over. That sucks. I don't need to stuff this chapter of my life away in a corner but I do need to confront it. I need to stop running the race myself and get behind Christ and draft behind him. I need to let Christ break all the wind. The truth is that he has already done that, I just need to get behind him.

Am I just hanging on?

I hope not.

Wondering...

2007-12-13T17:53:00.000-08:00

Today has been a day full of thoughts. I finally got to sleep last night at 5am after a great talk with my brother. It was really hard telling him about what is going on. I have always wanted to model a good relationship for him and show him what love can look like. Last night I got some affirmation from him which was much needed.

So I played hockey today, that was really great. It gave me the ability to skate and be outside. I think getting some of the tension out of my body was healthy and I was completely exhausted when I got home. I finally got some sleep after the workout.

But all day today my head has been full of question. Questions about why this happened, what could I have done to save the relationship, where do I go from here, how is she doing, is she happy, is this really the end? These questions are constantly spinning around in my head. I do not have any answers for any of these questions. All I want to do is deal with these questions but maybe i need to stop and just embrace these questions instead of trying to "deal" with them. Maybe God is just waiting for me to sit down with him (away from the distractions of this life) and spend some time with Him.

After a great conversation last night with Erik and Amy and then my brother, I took a picture of the two of us and just held it close to my heart and cried. I do not know if this helped but I loved it not that I am living in the past, but all I wanted to do at that moment in my life was to hold her. I wanted to reach our and be close to her. Even if she was not there with me I feel like I was.

I have been thinking of what I to do with all the memories and how to process all of the pain and joy that was in this last chapter of my life. I have taken her pictures down from in my office...but they are still sitting here on my desk. I can't help but stare at them and just think about what was and what could have been. I have put a picture of here back next to my bed. Not to pine over her but to be able to wake up and be reminded of what I have been blessed with during my life. The pain is still there more raw than ever. But i still feel love. I don't think that I will be able to take her pictures or cards down for a long time. I still feel so invested and in such shock. I still feel so in love. I think that it might me wrong of me to rush thought the emotions that I am experiencing right now God has me at this point for a reason.

Today Has been hard, but the people in my life have been supportive and I am so thankful. I can't wait to see my parents. Even though I will not say anything to them, I will cry and they will hold me and tell me that they love me.

I pray that if you are ever in a situation where it seems like the world is against you and that all hope is gone that you will know that it is not. There is a God who loves you for who your are and where you are at. Never forget that you are worth it and the mighty God sent his Son to save you and me.

After the Dust Settels

2007-12-13T01:54:00.000-08:00

Today was different I felt numb all day. Yes I cried, but it was not the same as yesterday. Today I learned how important it is to have people around you that love you and support you. I do not think that I would have made it through the night with the junior high if our leaders had not prayed for me. I am so blessed to have a supportive staff who is understanding but also is not telling me how I should feel.

I still feel passion and love. Not in the past tense I am so in love right now and I don't know what to do with this emotion. From the depths of my soul I am still very much in love. All I want to do is call or do anything that will win her back. My heart hurts, I feel like my life has stopped and I am living in a dream. But this dream is not pretty it's messy, ugly, scary and has not time frame. The emotions that I have are raw and real. I wouldn't trade them for anything. This time is teaching me that I am made in God's image and that the emotions that I am feeling are from him. I sit here and look at my phone and wish that it would buzz and that it would be her. All I want to do is answer my phone and hear "I love you". But the truth is that I need to open my heart and hear "I love you, were going to make it". There can't be a more comforting sound than the God of the universe whispering into your life that he loves you. I wish that this chapter in my life ends like a fairy tale. But it might not.

The support that I have experienced in the last few days is amazing. I hope and pray that someday I will be able to thank all of the people that have prayed with me and the others that are praying for me. The talks that I have had are what keep my head up and keep me pressing on.

"We love You, Jesus!
For so many reasons.
For death and life and freedom.
Even now, we love you.
We love You, Jesus!
In and out of seasons.
In valleys and on top of mountains.
Even now, can we sing.

We love you Jesus.
Jesus."

-Shane & Shane We love you, Jesus

The Darkest Day

2007-12-11T21:04:00.000-08:00

It's funny, as you go through life and see things happen to people you think to yourself. "That sucks, that would never happen to me." Yesterday it happened to me. Everything that I thought would never happen in my life has. I am not writing this for sympathy my purpose in writing this is to process this chapter in my life and maybe give someone who may read this some hope. I was recently down in Atlanta for the National Youth Workers Conference. There was a speaker there who talk about when the bottom falls out. In the past 72 hours the bottom has fallen out. But the words of the speaker are not in my head I wish that I was that mature. I am hurt, broken, mad, sad, scared, and confused. I wish that I were able to question God but I can't. I do not remember much of the presentation that the speaker gave at YS but I do remember that as the bottom falls out we do not look at heaven for answers we look back at the cross.

To my surprise as I have processed this last 72 hours I find myself praising God for who he is. I wish that I could be mad, I wish that I could shout at Him, but when it comes down to it all that comes our of my tear soaked face is praise while Crowder and I enter into communion with the Holy Spirit. Music is a way for me to engage God and really let my emotions go. As I sob, convulse, and as the snot runs down my face, all that I can do is sing " O praise Him, O praise Him Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia"

I do not say this to boast but i say this to say that in my darkest day, God is still here right by my side and he is for me and he loves me. I am not saying that I am not hurting because I am. I had no idea that i could feel this way, I had not clue that I could produce so many tears, I no clue that this could hurt so much. This is the kind of pain that keeps you in bed in the morning when you haven't slept the whole night. But the important thing is the cross. Jesus was there he was killed by the people that he came to save and was forsaken by his father, we will never know what that feels like. So in your darkest day cling onto the truth of the gospel. Have hope, peace and confidence in God. He will deliver you.